Insufferable Weight of Silence Read online

  Insufferable Weight of Silence

  by

  Carrie Huggins

  ©2016 Carrie Huggins

  All rights reserved.

  Chapter 1

  The closer I get the more nervous I become. I find myself constantly checking my rearview mirrors, adjusting in my seat, and looking down passing roads. Delia jostles and smiles in her sleep catching my eye, making my heart melt for the millionth time. Maybe she knows we're safe too. It's been far to long since we've been able to breath. I put on the breaks a little to roughly almost missing the turn because my mind is partly in the backseat and partly in the past.

  My bright headlights reflect across the maroon 'Welcome to Bryan' sign. Only fifteen more minutes to go and I'll be pulling into my parent’s old cabin on the bluff. He lives there now I was informed of this during a previous conversation when I asked if it was vacant. It complicates things learning he's there.

  Just a few streets away, my heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty. I told him I would call when I was close but I haven't, it's late the sun has long since set in the vast Texas sky. He isn't expecting me to arrive until tomorrow, he begged me to pull into a hotel somewhere but I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull over for fear of going back to Georgia, to Brody.

  One street over now and I'm in a panic, breathing without putting thought into it is nonexistent and my knuckles are white from griping the steering wheel so tightly. I've driven close to nine-hundred miles with my SUV packed to it's gills, turning back around isn't a bad idea. I haven't been home in years and I have no idea what to expect.

  My parents house comes into view. A truck in the driveway is lit up by moon light, my heart may just burst out of my chest from anxiety. Slowly I pull into the dirt driveway and throw my SUV into park. There's a light on in the living room, I pray it's because he forgot to turn it off.

  “He can't seriously be awake at 2 am.” I mutter to myself.

  I can't move stricken with fear and am ashamed to look at him. I sit in my truck staring out into the darkness at the cabin. It looks older than it had when I left. Also, not quite what I remember. I see he has made some improvements and he's in the midst of making more. It desperately needed it. If it weren't for the trees, I could see the massive body of water behind it. Oh, I've missed the lake. The smells, the sounds, the subtle waves hitting the shore, and warm sun beating down on my skin.

  Carefully I get out and stretch my aching legs before pulling Delia out of her booster seat.

  "Come on baby girl, we're here." I whisper to her.

  She tosses in my arms making me wince. If she would only wake up I wouldn't have to carry her. I gingerly make my way up a stone path that hadn't been here before towards the porch and fumble for the keys in my pocket. My hands are shaking so bad I almost drop them before putting it in the lock and opening the door.

  "It's not locked!" Declan's familiar yet deeper-than-I-remember voice booms throughout the room. "You should lock your door. You never know who's going to stumble in." I say straining under my daughter's weight. He whips his head in our direction with a huge grin that waivers when he really sees me.

  He's at my side in a flash with noticeable worry across his face.

  "What the fuck, Amity!" He bellows hastily scrutinizing my face.

  "Please help and don't cuss," I start to cry unable to hold my emotions in any longer. My daughter’s weight doesn't help. She's not heavy but the pain is insurmountable and seeing him again has my mind a jumbled mess. So many memories, good and bad, flooding back. "My other daughter is in the truck."

  He peers on steel faced, if looks could kill I would be dead ten times over from the moment I walked through the door. There's hurt and confusion in his eyes that breaks my heart. So much so that I have to look away.

  Rather than speaking another word, he grabs Delia from my arms and rushes her up the stairs. He's back within seconds and goes straight for the door. I don't have the energy to do anything but toddle lazily over to the new leather couch and collapse onto it.

  You would think after sitting for nearly 15 hours, minus stops for fuel and snacks I'd be well rested. I'm not, I'm far from it. I'm mentally and physically exhausted and my body is screaming in pain. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I don't watch him come back in with Delaney and my Labrador, Ellie, in tow.

  "Don't you dare go to sleep!" He orders from the top of the stairs. I wave him off and pull the quilt from the back of the couch over myself. I want nothing more than to sleep for days right now. Ellie trudges over to me and laps at my hand excited to be out of her kennel. I don't blame her I feel like I've been locked up for the last couple years, myself.

  "Ok, baby girl, spill!" He says wanting information as he jogs back down the stairs. He picks my head up and takes a seat on the couch resting it back down into his lap.

  "I'm tired, Dex, I just drove 15 hours. Can we talk about it in the morning?" I beg knowing it's hardly audible but he can still understand me. That and I really don't want to talk about what's brought me home.

  "Jesus Christ, Amity! I don't see you in over seven years, you come back with two kids, and you look like this!" He gestures towards me. "Were you in a wreck? I don't understand. What's going on? Are you in trouble?" He says worried.

  "Please," I beg with tears streaming down my cheeks. He brushes a thumb across the wound near my eye and I blanch away from him.

  "Fine," he replies frustrated sitting an elbow on the couch and rests his chin on his fist. He's deep in thought and angry, probably because I didn't warn him about what to expect. He doesn't press it, from personal experience he knows what would happen if he did. For a few minutes more we sit in silence, I doze off but am jolted awake by a sudden unexpected pain as he lifts me up into his arms while I mutter a couple ow’s and protests.

  "Where are you taking me?" I whimper.

  "To my room, I didn't know you had kids so there's no where else for you to sleep and I'm not leaving you alone in this shape. You look like you could stop breathing at any minute." He over exaggerates. His massive body grips me tight yet gentle as he walks us up stairs. When we enter his room he carefully draws back the covers and lays me on his bed. I hardly remember him removing my shoes.

  "What did.... without.... Dex?" I was out before my head hit the pillow.

  Chapter 2

  (June-2004)

  Sleeping last night was practically none existent mostly tossing and turning the entire time. At 5am I rise before the alarm and tip toe across the creaky floor, as to not wake my parents. I entered the large walk-in-closet only to take far too long sifting through each article of clothing before settling on the perfect outfit. From there I make my way to the on-suite and gingerly sit my outfit on the vintage vanity careful not to disturb its contents. I strip out of my clothes tossing them to the floor and step into the shower briskly washing my hair, face, and body before climbing back out and toweling off.

  I pull on the nude spaghetti strap top, white lace dolman tunic, dark jean shorts, and top it off with my trusty flip flops that I had previously settled on. Then take my time powdering my face and put on a bit of neutral makeup, which I never go anywhere without. I love looking my best all the time call me shallow, I don't care. This is the part of my beauty regimen I spend the most time on.

  Satisfied with my appearance, I quickly tidy up my bathroom throwing the clothes I had carelessly tossed aside earlier into the hamper alongside my porcelain pedestal sink. Then I push my vanity stool back under the desk and hang my towel up to dry. I take a few minutes looking around the on-suite to make sure everything is in its appropriate place before returning to my room to do the same. I take pride in having a clean room, it helps that I love t
he ageless femininity of it. My décor is a dream pulled from the pages of a magazine.

  My walls painted tiffany blue make all the black 1930’s circa, woodworked furniture pop. Being the only child and daddies’ little princess has its perks, even I can agree, I'm spoiled rotten. My mom hand sewn a black and white large polka dot comforter, bed linens, and curtains to match the vintage vanity that sits in my bathroom. It set the mood for my entire theme, and I adore it. She brought it home several years ago from a garage sale. My dad repaired it and I helped my mom paint and distress it. She recovered the stool with black and white polka dot fabric and from there, my room flourished into a girl's paradise. My favorite piece is the black Goth chandelier which hangs above my bed. What girl doesn't want a chandelier?

  After straightening my room and fixing my bed, I bound down the stairs taking them two at a time becoming more anxious by the minute. I head towards the kitchen stopping first near my dad on the couch to give him a quick kiss on the cheek and to say, good morning.

  What's got into you? He signs already knowing because I've practically counted down the days since Dex and the twins were last here.

  Dex and the guys are coming home today. I sign enthusiastically back to him with a huge smile. I'm about to jump out of my skin just thinking about seeing everyone. My dad rolls his eyes at me. Dex and Hadley are the only people I've known that remotely come close to being considered siblings.

  Where's mom? I ask him.

  Her and Martha are in there gossiping like two old hens. He points to the kitchen. I nod and curl my lip agreeing to his disdain. Those two together are never a good sign.

  Is that why you're hiding out in here pretending to watch TV? I jest but we both know it's true and he confirms it by not replying, which makes me chuckle. My stomach growls so I leave him to risk my sanity for a bagel. When I enter I spy them both sitting around the old farm table shelling peas just as dad had warned.

  "You're up awfully early, Sweetie." Martha points out.

  “I can't miss a second of this beautiful day.” I reply as I bend down and give her a hug and get a kiss on the cheek in response.

  “Yea. The weather is why you're so excited.” My mom chuckles.

  "Boy, you sure have grown into a gorgeous young woman." She gushes.

  “Thanks, Martha,” I answer straightening up then casually lean my hip into the adjacent chair while watching them work.

  "Soon enough she will be off to college like the rest of them." My mom frowns. Since I told her which school I was most interested in she's been moping around the house. My mom is a sweet woman when she wanted to be but more often then not she had a hotheaded side. It was always easier for me to get along with my daddy.

  "It can't come soon enough." I reply. College life is going to be awesome. I can't wait to be out there on my own an independent women free of parental rules and regulations just like everyone else.

  "You'll regret saying that. How'd you sleep?" My mom asks busying herself with another handful of peas.

  "Hardly at all. Dex is coming home!" I squeal jumping up and down. They both look at one another and shake their heads laughing.

  “… And there's the reason for her good mood.” Martha smiles as she elbows my mom.

  "Oh lord, why don't you both just get married and be done with it. Maybe then you'll have to stay here." Mom teases, only I know she's not joking. From the corner of my eye I catch Martha winking at my mom.

  "I don't know, Betsy. I don't think she's good enough for my baby boy." She chides. I groan in mock annoyance and step away from the table.

  "No wonder daddy is hiding out in the living room." I grumble as I walk across the rustic kitchen to grab a bagel off the counter and pop in the toaster.

  "Where's Hadley and Mac?" I ask curiously, noticing they aren't here, while I toast my breakfast.

  "Hadley spent the night at Lily's house and Mac had court this morning with Judge Ingram." Martha answers me.

  "Awesome." I mutter unenthusiastically. If she only knew how bad of an influence Lily was, Hadley would never be allowed over there.

  My bagel halves pop up from the toaster, I quickly grab them and drop them on a plate while I look for the peanut butter and a knife. I prep my bagel deciding to bypass the hens on the way back by and go sit with dad on the couch. He smiles over at me and pats my knee.

  They get on your nerves too? He asks. I nod taking a bite.

  What are you watching? I ask curiously.

  Reruns. Nothing good on. What did they do this time? He asks. I curl my lip at him showing my agreeable dislike at the reruns.

  They keep asking me when I'm going to marry Dex. He picks up one of my bagels and takes a bite.

  Right after college sounds good. He laughs. I throw my head back into the couch and roll my eyes. He is only joking and does this because he knows it gets on my nerves.

  "Look what the cat drug in!" Jeremy calls as he walks in the door followed by Jason and Dex. I hastily put my plate on the coffee table and jump over the back of the couch into Declan's waiting arms.

  "I missed you so much! Oh, and Happy Late Birthday, Declan!" I bellow loudly.

  "Hey, sis. A little late but thanks!" He picks me up off my feet and squeezes me in a big bear hug causing me to squeak. After a few long seconds he sits me back down. I quickly hug Jason and smack the brim of Jeremy's baseball hat. "God, I've been going nuts here. Our moms are in the kitchen and they're driving me crazy, Dex." I inform him.

  "Are you sure you're not the one being annoying?" Jeremy asks adjusting his hat which I had knocked down over his eyes. I jump around in front of him holding my arms out on either side of him as he tries to swat me away.

  "Cut it out you little gnat!" Jeremy grumbles while I dodge his flailing arms. Choosing to ignore him I continue making a game of it. "I'm going to kick your butt." He laughs. I hit his hat again before Dex steps in front of me as Jeremy tries to advance in my direction. He stops and takes a step back at Dex's larger than he size.

  "I'd like to see you try." I taunt standing behind my personal body guard, and stick my tongue out at him between Dex's arm and side.

  "That's unfair. Just remember, Amity, he won't always be there to save you." Jeremy warns as he and Jason walk into the kitchen.

  "Hey, Aunt Betsy! Aunt Martha, Declan is here." Jason calls out as he's walking over to the fridge and opens the door to rummage around.

  "Please, help yourself, Jason." I say sarcastically.

  "I will. Thanks, sis." He replies casually from behind the door. I don't pay him any mind, instead look for Dex who hadn't joined us in the kitchen. He stayed behind in the living room taking a seat next to my dad instead.

  How's it going, Pops? He signs to my dad, stopping both my father and I in our tracks.

  My dad went deaf a couple years ago during an accident overseas. A bomb went off near him and his bomb dog. He lost his hearing and his right leg and poor Mr. Sniffington lost his life, may he rest in peace. The only ones that had taken up signing were my mom and me, Mac and Martha to a certain extent, and now apparently Dex. My dad stares at him in disbelief for a while before replying.

  Good. You? How's school? He signs keeping it to a minimum unsure just how much he knows.

  It's going well. Really well. I graduate next spring and then I start a paying job at the Bryan Fire Department with Jason and Jeremy instead of just volunteering occasionally. I was actually thinking about re-enrolling for a double major. He signs not skipping a beat or making a signing error.

  I stand in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen amazed at how well he can sign and how quickly he managed to pick it up. Butterflies form in my stomach as I watch Dex bond with my father again after a long hiatus. It was a sweet gesture that he had actually made the effort to learn to speak to my dad again. Not many people had.

  You don't say? Well that's pretty damn awesome. I'm glad to hear that. It's nice to see young men making initiative, I'm really proud of you, son, for maki
ng something of yourself. My dad praises with an all too big smile.

  My dad always wanted a boy but after me my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. The only thing that saved her was having all her inside lady parts removed.

  "What are you doing, Amity?" Jeremy asks, elbowing me. I blindly push him away still enthralled in the spectacle in the living room.

  You want to come check out my new truck? Dex asks my dad.

  "I want to see it." I blurt out then snap my mouth shut because I wasn't invited into the conversation. Dex gives me a smile and nods his head in the direction of the door inviting me to come along with them.

  "See what?" Jason asks nosing in, as I had.

  "Nothing, mind your own business." I reply unable to take my eyes off Dex.

  Yea, sure. My dad leans forward to stand up but Dex beats him to it and reaches out for his arm helping him up. I can't take my eyes off their interaction, more so realizing how much Dex has changed and matured.

  "Come on Amity, nosey ass." Dex grins over at me.

  "I, bb-uh." I stutter, blushing at having been caught.

  "You're what? Just being nosey?" He huffs out a laugh at my deer-in-a-headlights expression.

  I follow them to the door and Dex holds it open for us. He places his hand at the small of my back sending a tingle up my spine. I look up at him wondering if he felt it too, to find him already smiling down at me. He quickly removes his hand as the door shuts behind us. The place were his hand had just been suddenly feels empty.

  “When did you learn ASL?”

  “I received a degree in ASL Studies in school while I was getting my prerequisites out of the way.” He grins having kept the secret.

  A brand new black Ford Raptor stands at the curb leaving me speechless. It sits on 22x10.5 BMF REHAB tires and a tall hydraulic suspension. He ticks off several extras to my dad that he had added to the truck to make it his own, such as the neon green heavy duty nerf bar that runs down along the truck from the front tire to the back, making it easier for people to climb in. Also a matching neon green cattle guard, headache rack, and bumper guard.